This

When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.

Henri Nouwen

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A funny thing…

A funny thing happened to me today. Thanks to the glory that is the internet I got information about one of my aunts before my father (her brother) and my grandmother were told.

And it would be wonderfully fantastic and glorious if the news weren’t so goddamn terrible. I mean, like, life and death terrible.

I’ve never been good with death. I think most people are not equipped to deal with death and the sorrow that comes with being around the living. I’ve had family members die, it’s part of life, you know? You grieve and each day is gets a little better and eventually life goes on.

That’s what it does. It doesn’t come to a grinding halt because someone dies and when you or I die, life will still go on. It’s amazing to think about, really.

But what do you say to someone who is dying? How do you make peace with the idea that this person is slowly fading from existence? What do you say to their loved ones? Are there even words that can adequately convey how distressed and sorry you are that this is happening to them?

Once a person is dead, that’s that, you know? I’m sorry for your loss, grieve, eventually things will get better, etc… But while the person is still alive… There’s hope, I guess. And there’s nothing more tragic and gut-wrenching than watching it slowly fade and die from the eyes around you.

It’s sickening. And I don’t know how to deal.

Another issue is seeing all of these “We’ll keep you in our prayers.” Again, this is my issue, I’m not exactly what you would call religious? I have my spiritual side, but it’s intensely private. Any discussion about religion or god or the supernatural that anyone has had with me was likely just that: A discussion. Me providing alternate points of view to their own, not necessarily my own views.

And I don’t pray. I simply do not do it. And it feels weird for me to say something like that to someone knowing that I don’t believe in it working like that. I can hope (there’s that pesky word again) and think good will and thoughts and maybe it’ll be enough.

Having a blog is narcissistic as all hell, and I feel like it’s been nothing but my feelings about this whole matter when the people that I should be most concerned about are my aunt and cousins, and I do think of them, please believe me when I say that. It’s just with them around on many of my other online haunts, I’ve found I cannot project some of these thoughts without seeming callous and cold. I’m really not, at least, I like to think I’m not. Maybe situations like these could present me as stoic? Aloof?

I just don’t like feeling those emotions in the air around me. It makes it hard to react.